(Source: amphigoryglory, via virtualjew)

So I was thinking about what I really wanna do as a career. What I wanna do after uni and what I’m going to major in.

I always wanted to be a vet when I was little. I realised in high school that I just didn’t have the intelligence, study habits or dedication to get anywhere near that. I don’t doubt my ability to be a vet, just to get through the education to be allowed to be.

That’s why I’ve always been so interested in biology and got the highest marks in it. I’ve barely found anything else interesting unless it was with my friends.

The next closest thing I can be to a vet is a vet nurse. And I honestly think I’d be happy doing that. I used to think that it wasn’t high enough education because it’s a TAFE course not uni. But that doesn’t really matter. I’ve moved on from thinking that I can only be good enough if I do something that requires years of uni and other training. 

So now the question is how long do I stay in uni when I’m pretty sure I want to change to a vet nursing course. I have to stay in uni at least until I move out of this place because being in uni is in the terms of the lease but I won’t be here that much longer.

So I do I go through this course, get higher uni debt but have a degree to show for it? Or do I leave early and have less to pay off but nothing to show for it?

Maybe I’ll just take a GAP year next year to figure it all out and decide what to do. If I do I could work on getting a job. I could go home more often and see my family and my dogs. I could see if I could get back into horse riding. I think it’d be good for me to get back to the things that make me happy and mean a lot to me. 

It’s almost the end of the semester now anyway so I just have to push through what’s left and reevaluate as I go.

I’ll have different subjects next semester anyway so maybe I’ll enjoy it more and have more motivation to get through it.

Things to work on:

- Consider people’s feelings before every action.
- Think before replying to people, especially if they’re negative comments, don’t get defensive.
- Admit your mistakes.

When things get overwhelming:

- Take deep breaths
- Drink water
- Focus on your work

At this point I literally have no one to talk to and I can barely stand the thought of that. How am I going to face the week? How will I do my work and go to lectures and tutes all alone? I can barely survive a day without talking to people. I need their support. But now I don’t have it.

I’m too scared to say anything to my mum and I don’t know why. I have to hold back tears every time she asks if I’m ok. I can’t afford therapy on my own and what my uni offers is meant as a short term thing.

I want to go home. I want to drop out. I want to curl up and never do anything again. I keep screwing everything up even when I try so hard to make things better. I don’t know what to do.

maybe I can quantify my mental illness

by the number of times

someone asks

“what’s up?”

and I type

“not a lot”

through my tears

I feel really distressed right now but there’sno reason for me to feel that way, rational or irrational. I’m just sitting at home. 

I would really like this feeling to go away. I don’t want to start feeling like this at home on my own, it was my only escape to feel ok.

If there was anyone I thought would care enough about me to come over today and spend some time with me I would ask them but I just don’t think there is and it just makes me so sad.

Update about his friend, she replied, at first I felt bad still but then I talked to her a bit and now I feel a lot better and she even said sorry for snapping at me the other night.

I just sent her a message saying sorry and I’m really glad I did it but I’m still scared of what her reply will be but I’m glad I did it.

I want to apologise to my friend because I contributed to putting her in a bad position last week and I feel awful about it.

I really do want to and I want her to know I care about her.

The only reason I haven’t is because I’m scared. I’m scared she’ll still be angry and she’ll say something mean. I’m scared that it will be true. I’m scared she won’t want to be my friend anymore.

So far two of my other friends have said I should apologise and I know I should but I don’t know how to get over how awful and guilty I feel to be able to say something.

I know it sounds dumb that I can’t apologise because I feel too guilty but it’s just how I am. I’m a stupid, terrible, coward.